I cheated on my wonderful husband about 10 years ago now. I am not kidding when I say that I cried hysterically, almost every minute of every day, for one full year afterwards.
My husband thought I had lost my mind. It took me 6 months to tell him what I had done, so why I was crying, then I continued to cry for 6 months. Looking back, I still can’t believe how much and long I cried. I have lost loved ones and not cried nearly as much.
I can also say there is no way in the world I would ever cheat again. No way. I learned my lesson the hard way. I was devastated, and still am in many ways, that I hurt and was disloyal to such a wonderful human being (my husband).
The reason was that, despite being wonderful in almost every way and being very kind and caring, my husband never initiated sex, which meant that we only had sex literally about 3–4 times per year. I told him many times that was not acceptable, but nothing changed until I did what I did.
I was also to blame for our lack of sex. After all, I could have initiated sex more.
We needed a jolt to our marriage or it wasn’t going to last. I was losing any feelings because I felt so sexually deprived.
The good news is that our sex life went through an incredible transformation, which has continued to this day. Our sex life has become better than I ever imagined. And I’m sure that never would have happened if I hadn’t done what I did. But I still deeply regret what I did.
Through a very convoluted set of circumstances, we also have had a few threesomes, with women, since that happened. The first time, I felt like I owed my husband, and I wanted to lower my feelings of guilt. But this was also a huge fantasy for both of us. We’ve done this with 4 women since then.
I am not sure what’s happening or whether this is good. My husband is still extremely loving, kind, giving, and forgiving. Of course, he loves that he has had new sexual experiences. And I think the “score,” if there is one, has been evened pretty significantly.
Those experiences have been extremely arousing for both of us, but also deeply painful for me. So we are trying now to do less, but still have some excitement, such as visiting a swingers club, but not participating. Just watching would be exciting (we’ve never actually done that— but that’s what we are considering). We have visited nude beaches and strip clubs, which give some excitement without as much pain.
That leads to my last point, which is that sex with the same partner can become monotonous, which is why doing “something” more exciting can help spice things up. But I wouldn’t recommend what we’ve done. Way too painful. Instead, maybe try something less, like going to a strip club together, maybe even getting a lap dance, but nothing else.
Sounds crazy but some of these things get easier over time. Sex itself doesn’t.
Although marital sex can become monotonous, that wasn’t our problem when I cheated. We hadn’t had enough sex, at that point, to feel any monotony. That was after 10 years of marriage. But we had very little sex for that entire 10 years. So we had only just begun when we started having more sex after I cheated.
At this time, we both love our sex life. We consider it the best thing in our lives. But getting there took work, learning, communication, and a lot of pain because of my cheating. But, again, I’m sure things would still be the same, had I not done something terrible to shake things up. I had begged and pleaded for years, and even told him that I was thinking about cheating before I did. He simply would not listen to how bad I felt about essentially being sexually ignored.
My husband didn’t mean to ignore me. He loved me, very much, and still does, and would have done anything for me. He was just an introvert and not someone who felt comfortable initiating sex. He still doesn’t totally but he has improved. He was also sexually inexperienced, very much. So he didn’t know what to do in bed, even when we had sex. That’s completely changed, and I couldn’t ask for a better lover.
Cheating and affairs aren’t always simple. I had a lot of therapy during the year after. I also read several books. Usually, the cheating spouse feels like they are missing something essential from the marriage. And often they weren’t even looking (which was true in my case), but another person recognizes their lack of something, then tries very hard to work their way into the person’s heart and confidence. Again, that’s what happened to me.
There are some serial cheaters, who will never change. But others feel horrible and will never repeat what happened. At this point, I have no desire for sex with anyone else. I’m sure I worked even enjoy another man because my husband is so good to me in bed now. But, if I ever changed my feelings, we are close and open enough now that I would be comfortable speaking much not openly. He would know long before there was a real problem.
The last thing is that we also watched sex education videos (many), read several books about sex, and started communicating about our fantasies, likes, and dislikes. That process was essential to improving our sex life and evolved over several years. If you aren’t sexually satisfied with your spouse, there is hope. But you both have to work very hard, care about the problem, and, most importantly, learn to communicate openly and honestly about your sexual feelings. That is not easy. But it is essential and freeing, once you do it.