A friend asked me “What hurts a marriage more than infidelity?” I told him, sexlessness!
What Hurts A Marriage More Than Infidelity?
I’m a 32 years old and been married for 10 years. For this whole 10 years we have not been intimate even for once. We haven’t kissed or cuddled either.
We met when i was dealing with a break up and after few days my current husband proposed me. I said yes to him even though i didn’t have feelings for him thinking that i will not fall in love again. My husband is 8 years older than me and at that time he was looking for someone to get married.
After few months we got married. On our first night together we tried to be intimate but he started it without a foreplay and we failed. Few months passed like this and day by day i felt like he doesn’t love me and i don’t have feelings for him either.
At this time I met a co worker at office who used to talk to me over the phone regularly. Day by day i got closed to him and i fallen in love with him. I told everything about my marriage life to him.
And after few months we met at a hotel and things ended up both of us having sex. I was happy and I learned that i don’t have any fear for sex as my husband used to tell me. ( he never blamed me but he said we cant be intimate because i was scared.)
After starting this affair i was even more a stranger to my husband and he found that i was cheating on him. He called my parents and informed it to them but he didn’t want a divorce from me. He told me to stop the affair.
But i couldn’t because i was madly in love with that guy from office. But that guy said he can not marry me too because his parents would not approve our relationship.
However we continued the affair for 5 years and at the end we broke up because i understood that he never wanted me as his wife even i get a divorce from my husband. After few months i again started an affair with another co worker which ended up having sex with him too.
My husband found out about that too. But after that too he didn’t want to divorce me. Since he said he will not marry anyone else and he has planned his life with me so that he don’t want us to be divorced. At this time i was 27 years old and i couldn’t think what will i do if i divorced him.
And also even though my husband and i did not have feelings for each other romantically i realized that he has become a part of my life. So i decided to stay with him and accept everything as it is. Sometimes i feel empty and alone but i forcefully forget that.
My husband has not even kissed me once and i am not sad about that too because i don’t feel anything intimate towards him too. We share a bed we talk about everything else other than sex.
We have tried to have a baby through artificial insemination and all those attempts failed. I don’t feel happy about my life but i don’t feel sad either. After i decided to accept this i feel peacefully and i’m okay with that. But time to time i’m worried that will i be able to live like this until the day i die.
I have sexual desires but i can control them. Even i know that my husband has desires too. But we two are not comfortable with being intimate with each other.
So far we are living with that without talking about that. Also he forgave me twice even after finding that i cheated on him. I will not cheat on him again but now i’m worried whether will i be happy in future about my decision..