When I was in college and lost my mom to stroke, I made a friend online. Soon we became best friends. One day I casually told him about a crush I had on someone. This was the time when he realised he had feelings for me and couldn’t let go of me.
He proposed but I told him I really don’t have romantic feelings for him . No, my intentions were not to friend-zone him! I just didn’t feel attracted to him. He didn’t take no for an answer, he started coming to meet me every weekend from a city five hours from mine.
Each weekend we would meet and he would convince me of how great we would be given our love for books, drawing, puzzles and quizzes. He used to wait hours outside my college. He treated my friends wonderfully! Even my friends started asking me why I would let go of such a genuine and nice guy.
He was intelligent, thoughtful, creative, sensitive and very mature. He had lost his parents and was taking care of his grandma and brother. One weekend, I asked him to stop trying to convince me and I said we can only be friends if you never talk about this again.
I still remember how I stormed off towards the escalator at the metro station while he simply stood there , numb and teary eyed. I felt like a monster. I sent him a sorry message and called him the next day to make sure he is okay.
Fast forward five months, I had a change of heart due to a few incidents where he really showed how mature and sensible he is. I started feeling attracted towards him and finally said yes! One year of courtship and then we got married.
FINALLY, I GOT MARRIED!
Although I wanted to continue my studies but my dad was so angry at me that he simply wanted me to get the hell out of his home. We got married and it was a very small ceremony. I couldn’t even invite any friend of mine.
First night, he gives me a brand new phone! We were exhausted cos of such a long journey and we drifted off to sleep. I was brimming with joy!
However, I noticed something different. We never had any physical contact. We never had a honeymoon cos of his grandma staying with us. But I realised he never just wanted to be intimate with me. Initially I thought it could be office stress but then it would happen daily.
One day I decided to talk to him , he didn’t give me a clear answer and asked me to let him go to sleep. When I persisted and said I can’t take this torture anymore, he got so irritated that he slapped me. Hard, across the face. I was stunned.
I sat there with tears in my eyes not being able to believe what was happening. I never knew this was only the beginning. Although he profusely apologised and calmed me down, and made me lie down, I knew something was amiss.
This became a regular thing. We would be great as roommates/friends, great going grocery shopping, watching movies, eating out,but whenever it came to intimacy, it wasn’t there.
Every night while he snored next to me, I cried unable to understand where have those feelings gone, I just could not get his teary eyed face at the metro station out of my head. The times he was pursuing me,all he wanted to do was romantic stuff. Now, after marriage, he wont even talk to me!!
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I couldn’t go back to my dad. I was depressed. The person I was married to didn’t want to touch, kiss, hug me let alone make love to me. And whenever I would bring the topic up, would get irritated. He would get up and go to the other room during a romantic scene. I tried everything I could. I was at an all time low,no self esteem, always annoyed.
I checked for affairs, I checked for past girlfriends, I even asked him if he was gay and only married me for the fear of society. He said no and yet he didn’t have an answer, it was as if a switch has simply been turned off.
I lived a lie for three years, I pretended how happy I am in front of people, I got hit by a slipper, by a belt, by stuff being thrown at me, covered in bruises. I didn’t even have a mom/sister I could talk to. During these years, many times I decided to simply go to my dad’ s place.I used to get scared thinking what my dad would do to him, I used to fear my dad’s taunts.
My problem wasn’t the lack of intimacy or anything sexual between us, it was his refusal to even acknowledge it, his refusal to do anything about it. The lack of sex wasn’t the only problem,there was no romance too!
Like I didn’t get any sweet messages from him while he used to be at office, I didn’t used to get “miss u” while I used to be away. Every telephonic conversation with him was robotic,mechanical. Where had all the sweet talk,romantic messages ,love poems etc gone?
All that was there before marriage! Whenever I asked him how could he change so much suddenly,he simply had no answer. He used to say I don’t think about it because I get guilty and depressed.
The strange thing is whenever I would get packed up and ready to leave, he would start crying like a baby, exactly like he did at the metro station.He would kneel down in front of me, beg me to not go ,asking my forgiveness and promising he would do something about it.
He would hug me so tight as if he would never let me go ,he would even buy me stuff and be really nice and caring for a day or two.
But things never changed. We have filed for a divorce, my dad doesn’t know about it, I am in a completely different city now staying at a friend’s place trying to figure out what to do next.
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Not to brag but I am a very optimistic and strong girl, I have faced things worse than this and I am all of 25. I still believe in love, I still believe in people. Being hurt by the person I trusted the most has surely jolted me and I think I might have trust issues after this but nothing can ever break me.
I continue to see the good in people and believe that my one true love is the one who looks back at me when I look at a mirror.