My life was in shambles ever since my four sisters were married off. And there was no one to boss around and to be along with, in my life. I had some dreams which were shattered when I didn’t get into the preferred college and course.
MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY
Eventually the downward slide started for me which I knew would only add on momentum with each passing day, month and year. This was predictable. My studies took backlash,and so my friendships. Rejection of girls added hay to the fire. I lost my self esteem.
And I became totally diffident and pessimistic in my outlook. No more adventure no more outing. No sports and games. Mostly a hesitant and conscious adult. Those of the fine features I had disappeared with time. I turned into a morose adult. Now thinking about those days still makes me cringe.
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The aftermath of events in quick succession along with the stubbornness that ran in the family made things even more complicated. I started loathing myself for not accomplishing what I dreamed about. So I used to treat others with utmost respect without myself enjoying the same thing.
This continued for a decade with hardly any promisable employment. Not sure why I held onto the guilt and shame trap for so long but these were a regular feature in my life. The only thing I enjoyed was traveling. But I couldn’t afford to take more vacation to different places.
This made me more volatile and unpredictable. Then a couple of years later I got into a course. There I met a girl who recognized my pain and said she knew about the situation. The long held pain was just giving way. But I used to put a mask not to look vulnerable and weak.
But deep inside I was hurt and angry. There were many things to seek forgiveness and reconciliation for. In the mean time the girl I loved was just going far from me.
This made me feel lost inside even more. But the thing she said to me stuck with me. And started changing my attitude and the general opinion about myself. This is what she spoke to me.. Make yourself a priority!
Not sure if she had same thing for me but her concern showed that I have been wrong in judging people from their background. Now she avoids me because of my behavior. This has been the course of my love where I ruin every relationship based on this unanswered pain.
Now the guilt never ends for me due to this jinx of love for me…