In my younger days, I thought I knew everything about women. I was a good talker, so I was great at meeting them. Everywhere I went I would meet new girls.
On the subway. At the grocery store. In line to buy tickets at the movies.
There was a constant revolving door of new women stepping into my life, giving me their phone numbers and going out on dates.
It always started off great, and my friends were jealous that I had the guts and social skills to approach any girl I saw, no matter how out of my league she might be.
And I loved the feeling of knowing I could meet girls anywhere.
But there was just one problem.
I could rarely, if ever, turn the ones I liked into my girlfriend. Somewhere between meeting them, getting their number, and going out on a couple dates, it would all go wrong.
It would start off so exciting, they’d be just waiting to go out with me. And I would think, “I’ve got one! This one’s gonna work out for sure.”
And then she’d slip through my fingers like all the others.
Her messages would get less frequent. She would sound less excited about meeting up. Eventually she’d start giving excuses about why she couldn’t meet, or why she had to break our date.
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I’d be staring at my phone thinking, What the hell happened?
Then I would meet a new girl, do a great job of getting her number, go out a couple times… and the same thing would happen all over again.
It frustrated the hell out of me. I kept asking myself, What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get any of these girls to stick around longer than a couple dates?
It was a vicious cycle, and one I had to go through many times over before I finally learned that the reason I couldn’t keep a girl was because of how I was coming across.
Too eager. Like the eager beaver, like going out with her and making her my girlfriend was suddenly the most important task in my life. I would message daily, thinking I was being clever. I’d keep text conversations going all day, thinking I was being attentive. And as soon as one date was over, I’d try to get another.
But it was always the same recipe. The more messages I sent, the fewer I got in return. The longer my messages were, the shorter theirs became.
Finally someone older, wiser, and more experienced with women saw me struggling and pulled me aside.
We were having beers one night, and he saw me get a girl’s number right at the bar. When I came back to the table, beaming from ear to ear, he congratulated me.
“Great job. She’s pretty. But I know what your problem is.”
My smile dropped right away. I was amazed that he could figure out my girl troubles from watching that one interaction.
He delivered the sentence with the cool, neutral tone of an undertaker. “You’re trying too hard.” I said, “Me?! No way! I’m like, mysterious, man. I know what I’m doing!” Turns out I was also delusional.
When I went home that night and looked over some of my past behaviours, I realized he was absolutely right. I was trying too hard, and I made a pledge to change right away.
Now this is where some guys get confused between trying too hard, and putting in effort.
Putting in effort is a good thing. It’s about showing up on time, it’s about listening to her troubles and responding thoughtfully, it’s about doing your best to make sure a woman feels safe around you and has a good time.
You want to keep doing all those things, from date #1 until death do you part.
Trying too hard is different. It comes from your fear that you’re not good enough for the woman you’re dating, and that eventually she’s going to figure it out. So you constantly blow up her phone or ask her out several times a week, because you’re afraid she’ll forget about you in the 10 minutes between messages, and you’ll lose her like all the others.
But that fear is exactly what was turning girls away from me.
You have to realize you are worth her time, that you do have plenty to offer, and that if she doesn’t see that, someone else will.
You have to be willing to let a girl walk away. That’s the only way you’ll ever be able to act like yourself. And oddly enough, when you become totally okay with losing a girl, her chances of staying actually start to go up.
She realizes you’re not desperate for her attention (a big red flag for women). She realizes you’re going to be the same guy whether she’s there or not, which tells her she can trust you. Being centered and confident is the most attractive trait you can show a woman.
Never chase a girl. Not because it’s a waste of time or because there are “plenty of fish in the sea.” But because it simply doesn’t work. Chasing women will only chase them right out of your life.
Men who are successful with women let them come at their own pace. They don’t lose their head every time they meet a new girl. They hang back and focus on their life, goals, health, and relationships. They know that girls are more attracted to men who aren’t always hitting up their phone like it’s the first date they’ve had in months.
As soon as I took his advice, everything changed.
I started using the phone only for setting dates, not for having conversations. I stopped being pushy and trying to convince women to go out with me. I adopted a “Happy if she comes, happy if she doesn’t,” attitude, and it changed everything.
Once you know these things, it’s not about abusing your knowledge to get as many girls as you can.
It’s about meeting the right one, the one you can see a future with, and making the right moves to keep her around for the long-term. Originally written by Josh Doyle