I was lying next to this beautiful woman, just having had mind blowing, highly athletic sex, and I came to realize just how incredibly alone I felt as it sank in that this woman cared nothing about me other than how she could use my body…. absolutely nothing.
My personal views on waiting until marriage have shifted quite a bit over the years.
My honest opinion at this time is that sex outside of a committed relationship is a spiritually destructive endeavor for me.
I want to make it absolutely clear that I speak for no one but myself. I had been celibate until I was 22.
Long story short my parents had a violent relationship and my knowledge that they were pregnant with me before they got married made me believe that it was only because they were having sex and got pregnant that they decided to stay together.
In my mind no one sane would have any other reason to stay in the relationship I was witnessing as a small boy. For that reason I decided to wait.
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For circumstances that would have to be explained in another post I had changed my mind at 22.
I freely hooked up, had multiple simultaneous relationships, and my aim was to get in bed with every attractive girl I met.
During this time I will admit I did have a lot of fun. I met really beautiful, fun and intelligent women, & had some pretty good “relationships” as I thought then.
However knowing everything I know about myself now, being totally objective and honest with myself…
There was never a time where any of the sex I had would be what I consider healthy for me.
It was that moment where I was lying next to a sexy model I had met the week before, likely done because I was trying to forget my relationship with my last girlfriend, that made it clear this was not a pattern I could engage in anymore.
I cannot describe how empty and alone I felt in that moment lying right next to her.
Sex my whole life has been a tool to validate my ego and form pseudo-intimacy with women without ever really getting to know them.
More importantly it was a way for me to experience intimacy without allowing them to really get to know me.
I was never truly vulnerable or honest with any of the women I dated. As long as there was “fun” and sex everything was good.
Yet the truth was day to day I suffered with crippling anxiety, rage, low self esteem, resentment and fear.
Nothing I ever shared with my “significant other” for fear they would think less of me and abandon me.
I never confronted the real issues in any of my relationships, I never really voiced exactly how I felt or what I thought because in part I wanted to keep having sex.
I also stuck around in relationships too long, dated women I wasn’t on the same page with, who didn’t have common goals or values, why? Because the women were sexy, fun and the sex was amazing.
Sex is and has always been a great distraction and barrier for me to being truly vulnerable and honest in a relationship.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I have met many people who are in total agreeance of this.
My priority at this time is to find someone who shares my values and goals, wants to be committed to a life together, to raise children and prosper as a team.
I have tried time and time again but sex somehow always seems to get in the way of that and also makes me feel very bad afterwards. Its like a piece of my soul is taken.
Something I never noticed until I stopped drinking and stopped consuming porn.
So when I am honest with myself, and my history with sex, it would only get in the way of me making an honest decision on who that person is.
So recently I decided once again to wait until I was married. Which trust me would be shocking to anyone I would consider a close friend. I have built quite a reputation for being promiscuous over the years.
The thought of celibacy was first brought to me by a Christian I was dating. Then it happened with another.
When I looked into my past & thought honestly about how sex played a role in my life, I saw clearly how obstructive it has been to me finding a woman I genuinely care about with zero ulterior motives.
So now I decided again to wait until marriage and I am currently dating a woman who is on the same page.
This is just what is right for me as I see it at this time and it has been working well.
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I am building real intimacy, honesty, and vulnerability with a woman I admire and care for. Sex is something I can have anytime.
However real intimacy, vulnerability and total honesty/transparency and a woman who accepts me and all my faults… that is a bit more special to me.