I am at my core an intellectual, a problem solver, a person who wants to know and have the answers for everything.
My long standing belief was that I could figure out anything and everything on my own given enough time and information.
I always want to have everything “figured out”.
I always wanted to be in control.
By knowing the information I would be able to solve all my life’s problems.
This approach helped me greatly in school and in my career.
However in many other areas of my life this didn’t work at all.
Over time I saw that I had become a man of very poor character. I wasn’t honest, lacked integrity, I was a liar and a eventually a cheater.
I lived a dual life. One where I was an exemplary member of society. A kind, care-free, generous, and fun loving guy.
Another where I was totally narcissistic, self absorbed, secretive, and highly entitled. Especially with women. I thought everything in the world was mine to enjoy and I was entitled to enjoy it all. Everything was a bout my wants and needs.
This part of myself existed to numb out the tough things in life I was ill equipped to deal with.
Stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, & so much rage/anger.
I lived that dual life for many years and resulted in my life basically imploding.
I destroyed a relationship with a woman I loved and connected more deeply than anyone previously, I destroyed any shred of dignity or esteem I had in myself. My work performance began to suffer. Everything was falling apart.
I hated myself, I couldn’t stand to look at myself, I felt a total failure and I lived with so much fear and anxiety about life I didn’t know how to deal with.
I was morally and spiritually bankrupt.
Finally……I admitted defeat. Despite my vast intelligence, degrees, and cunning I could not begin to understand why I lived such a self-destructive life and why I just couldn’t stop.
So I finally went and got some help.
After some time I had a therapist, a mentor, a clear plan, I understood why I got triggered into using many things like junk food, alcohol, porn, and the affection and adoration of women to escape my feelings.
Through a lot of hard work I made huge changes to my life. I was more honest, more vulnerable, patient, compassionate, not always but definitely more than I used to be. A lot of great spiritual books, my mentor, my therapy, talking honestly with my friends helped to transform me.
Though sometimes I would slip backwards towards those old habits I came to hate so much.
I would be so angry with myself asking myself why I would go back to things I know were so bad for me. It seemed I was at a point where most days I was the man who I wanted to be. However during really tough days, I’d get deep desire to go back.
The truth is I have done a lot of bad things. I deeply hurt a woman I loved. At my core I believed I was a bad person and that nothing I did could ever change that. No woman would ever want to be a part of my life.
So during tough times of my life my deepest desires would be to turn back towards those destructive behaviors, because in reality they helped me cope with life. So I would slip into those old behaviors instead of having the faith that life would work out as it was supposed to and that I would eventually meet a woman who would accept me and my faults.
I just lacked the faith that I didn’t need to go back to escaping reality & good things would come if I continued to work on myself and do the right things.
When things got tough I’d get deep desires to go back to my narcissistic self-destructive life because I believed in my core “no one could love me after what I have done so what does it matter.”
I just didn’t have the faith that good would come…
And there it was again and again… I didn’t have faith. I needed to believe in something I had never seen, never felt, and never experienced. That if I just kept putting in the work good things would come, and the right woman would come.
I woke up one morning after a bender and it just became clear to me…
I needed faith.
READ ALSO – Will I Go To Hell if I Refuse to Go to Church?
I walked to a church at a music hall a friend had invited me to long ago. I thought I was walking into church but… it was like a concert. Everyone’s arms were in the air singing and praising a god who they claimed loved them despite all of their faults and forgave them of all they had done long before they had done them.
It was exactly what I needed. There was so much love in that room. There were so many kind and caring imperfect people who just wanted to come together and learn how to love and accept each other a little bit better.
I wept through through all the songs and praises. God reached down and spoke to me in that moment.
I knew I was in the right place.