I was 19 years old when I saw her for the first time, we were in the same class she was very outgoing and perky and I was a typical introvert and was too scared to look at girls let alone talk to them.
But something in her pulled me towards her I tried numerous times to talk to her but failed every time, one fine day she just sat beside me and started talking to me. ((She came to know that I was trying to talk to her through her friends and she just decided to talk to me which she told me later on ))
Initially I struggled to talk as I have never done this before( Yes, talking to a girl) we became good friends in very less time, we had late night phone calls, chats, video calls some cringe boomerangs which I requested her not to post, we were having a great time we became best friends, a guy with female best friend will know the perks of having her in your life.
Time passed and I started developing feelings for her. I WAS IN LOVE. I wanted to have the thing we had forever I was sure that she had the same feeling for me too.
I decided to propose to her, I know she is not going to leave me if this back fires but I will be losing the best thing I had in my life. I didn’t even know if that was the best idea but if this goes well I will be having everything I wished for.
So the next day in college I was waiting for her as she entered the class I wave at her and gestured her to to sit beside me, she came walking to me and sat beside me hoping for me to say something, I went numb and I realized that it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I took a deep breathe will my body shivering and palms sweating I said “I LOVE YOU, I mean like LOVE love not like we usually say. You know like…”
She stopped me mid sentence “I know don’t panic” holding my hand “Are you serious?”
“YES, I am and its okay if you don’t love me we can still be friends” I said looking down at the desk.
“Hey look here, LOOK AT ME , You know me right ?”
“What do you think my answer would be?”
“I don’t know I want a yes but I don’t want you to be mad at me.” I said again turning my face back at the desk.
She was silent for a few seconds, I turned my head a little so that I can see her from the corner of my eye she was smiling and looking at me her eyes watery. I was not sure what to do million thoughts ran through my head.
I turned towards her she held my hand tightly still looking at me before I say anything she tapped my hand and started walking to the bench she usually sat signalling me to be quiet and pointed her finger towards the professor just entering the class.
After the lecture she sat in her place we waited for everyone to leave I walked to her and sat beside her, looking at her to say something , I decided to break the silence
I said “ Its okay If you don’t love me I was being greedy I just wanted more of you, I’m sorry, it will go away don’t worry about it I want us to be friends again…. i just..”
I wasn’t able to look at her while this was happening. I was trying to make something up and pretend that I was completely fine and It didn’t matter at all.
She cut me in the middle saying “I LOVE YOU and if you blabber anymore I will punch you”
“What? what do you mean? Love me like in love, are you serious?” I was shocked
I was convinced that it was a NO after seeing her with tears even though she smiled I thought she did it only that I don’t feel bad about it.
“ Yes I do, a lot actually even before you proposed to me but ..”
“You are the best guy I have ever met, I love you so much I didn’t expect this to happen so quickly and definitely did not see this coming from you. Do you think this is really the right time?
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I mean we have our careers ahead of us we can’t let a relationship ruin our careers, I have never been in a relationship but do you think we can manage both, is it possible I have been thinking about it for the past hour I wanted this to happen but not this early I think this is too early can we manage both, we can’t risk our careers what do you think?”
Before I started talking she hugged me and said “No matter what you say I love you, career or relationship or can we mange both?”
I knew her and she was not using career as a reason to reject me.
I said “I think we can mange I don’t think much is going to change, we talk like we do daily, we chat we spend time, we get together to study, we share jokes everything will be same.”
“You sure? You think we can do this?”
“ Yes” with the biggest smile I ever had on my face
“We can do this and I love you” she said hugging me again tighter and longer than before.
Fast forward to 6 months we were just like we thought we would be completed our 1st year of MBBS and promoted to 2nd year happy about our results spent a lot of time together during holidays .
We were having a great time together enjoying our lives I even introduced her to my sister and mom, they became close they exchanged numbers and talked on phone regularly.
I was happy with the way the things were going I had everything I wanted I always dreamed of being a doctor every since I was 7 years old and it was just a couple of years ahead. A loving girlfriend, mother and sister I couldn’t ask for more.If that story had ended well I wouldn’t be answering this right?
Yeah here comes the twist.
Akshay, her oldest friend, they are from the same town, Engineering student, they’re family friends and her father trusted him with every thing, he was kinda like a brother to her, we became friends even before proposing to her. I knew him but we are not really close .
April 6, 2016 (I was 21)the day before her birthday. He came to visit her as he won’t be able to meet her the next day not sure the reason was but I always liked their friendship.
So on that day around 8 pm when we were having our little chat I got a call from my mom reminding me to pick my sister from Badminton coaching.
I returned home an hour later. She lived with her elder sister so asked me not to plan any surprise during midnight for her birthday. We kept texting and she was with him she kept messaging me I MISS YOU and asked me if I could come back .
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As she lived about 45 minutes away from my house I wasn’t able to go back, she was still with Akshay and kept sending me selfies for about an hour, we chatted and I slept mid conversation and was woken up at 11:50pm by a reminder alarm.
I washed my face and waited for the date to change, as soon as it was 12:00 I started calling her, I really wanted to be the first one to wish, I was never interested in celebrating my birthday but I was very excited for her’s. I called for 10 minutes straight she didn’t answer, I called Akshay and he said he dropped her around 10:30pm and left.
I kept trying and no answer, 30 minutes later I left message on WhatsApp, messenger, hike and every social media possible hoping my message would be the first message to be mine.
I met her next day, I wished her and gave her a 40 year old dairy-milk chocolate (she would really get mad at me if I ever get her expensive gifts as I was not earning and she did not like me spending money on her.) She was dull I asked her if everything was okay. She said everything was fine we continued with our plans for the day.
Couple of days later she called me asked me to meet her, we met I have never seen her like that before she was all dull and lifeless. We ordered for a coffee and she started talking
“I thought this is a bad idea to tell you this but I don’t think I can hide this from you. I feel like shit, I feel like I am cheating on you”
“OK what happened? What ever it is everything will be fine. I can’t see you like this”
“The day before my birthday Akshay and I sat by the lake and he kissed me.”
“Did he force you? Did he do anything? Did he hurt you? What happened” I asked with my voice raised.
“NO only a kiss”
“Ok that’s fine. I am happy that he didn’t hurt you or something. What was he thinking kissing you without your consent.”
“Are you mad at me ?” she asked
“NO. NO I am not why would I be mad at you its just a kiss and moreover if you had any intention of cheating on me you wouldn’t care to tell me about this. I love you okay NO MATTER WHAT.”
She hugged and told me that he proposed to her and wanted her to leave me. She was confused how to deal with it.
I knew the bond they shared and didn’t want that friendship to break so I told her that we would talk and sort this out. Honestly I was mad at him for touching my girlfriend and wanted to cut him off forever but the bond they shared is more precious than the temporary feelings.
We talked to him and he promised that he would never repeat this and things went on as usual for a while. One fine day when we were talking , it was one of our combined studies sessions, she said “I lied”
“I lied about Akshay” I said “Do you want to be with me?”
“Do you love me ?”
“As long as the answer is YES I don’t care what happened, it was a long time ago we sorted everything just forget about it, just let it go”
“No I need to get this off my chest”
“I don’t explaining yourself is necessary”
“I’m not, just listen to me”
“Ok, but only if you promise me if you will not talk about this again”
“He didn’t force me, he proposed to me and promised to me that he would take good care of me and he kissed me and then we continued” she said with her voice shivering “I liked it and I didn’t stop him”
“So do you love him?”
She said “NO” after a long pause.
I moved closer to her held her hand and said “So you choose me right? You love me and it is all that matters.”
She looked at me and rested her head on my chest, I saw her closing her eyes stopping the tears to drop.
“Cry if you want to of that makes you feel any better” She opened her eyes and raised her head and smiled looking at me.
We became busy preparing for the exams and the practicals,I noticed a lot of change in her behaviour and every time I asked there was nothing like that. It continued for while, she wasn’t paying attention in the class which was very odd, skipped classes than usual.
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I was sad that I was unhelpful. I am kind of person who respects someone’s privacy, I don’t know of that was good idea but I decided to check her phone to see if Akshay was creating any problem again.
I waited for the right time , one day when she visited my home and when she was chatting with my mom in the kitchen and she put her phone to charge on my table. I told them that I would take a bath and locked the door.
We told each other everything including passwords but gave each other privacy and never unlocked phones without asking. I felt like shit doing this but I did it. We both write e-diary in an app call Dairo and I thought I should check it first.
I found nothing in the past 10 days mentioning anything about Akshay and didn’t care to read it too deep. I switched to WhatsApp , checked recent chats nothing suspicious I opened Akshay’s chat and last chat was about 3 days ago. I scrolled all the way till April 6th.
He apologized for a couple of times later asked her if she loves him to which she replied “I DON’T KNOW” I was hoping for a NO but I continued reading a few days later some messages read “May be I love you more or may be I don’t but the way he reacted when I told him about our kiss I don’t think I will ever be able to break his heart anything can’t happen between us.”
I kept scanning through the messages , some messages caught my attention.
They read like ‘I have no idea when this happened but I fell for you but any thing can’t happen between us. Even if I love you more I will stay with him’
‘There is no point in being with him if you don’t love him’
‘He loves me and I love him’
‘No you don’t’
‘This will not happen Akshay, I love you but leave me forget me, we can’t be friends anymore’
And i scrolled down to recent messages they read ‘I know you still love me lets tell him and sort this out’
‘No I cant’t break his heart’
After reading I felt numb, didn’t know what to so I laid on bed staring at the ceiling thinking of a way out of this without hurting anyone I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I opened the door and they asked me if hadn’t bathed yet, I said that I fell asleep.
One month later we both were laying on my bed, I was thinking about what to do. I thought I should give it time but things were not the same between us, she changed but denied every time I asked her about that.
I thought for a month about this, I lied to her that I cheated on her and I said that there was no longer intimacy between us and we should breakup, she was surprised and did not believe me cheating on her as I spent most of the time with her, I wanted to make her as mad as possible, I even told her that I don’t find her attractive anymore.
She was not sure if I was joking but she later got at me she stood up all of a sudden and started walking and left I couldn’t stop my tears. She went home and called me again if this was a joke. I said this is how its going to end sorry and to leave me forever I heard her sobbing after all she did love me.
There are reason why I did this,
I didn’t want her to feel guilty, we had a perfect relationship until she developed feelings for Akshay which is not her fault, you don’t decide whom to love it just happens.
I don’t think her feelings for Akshay were attraction which would eventually go, they knew each other for more than a decade they know more about each other than I know about her.
Reading the chat I realized that she loved me but she loved him more , She wanted to stay with me only because she didn’t want to hurt me .
Taking me away from this story would change so much. If I hadn’t proposed to her they would eventually have got together
Even if I was wrong, she was sad for more than 5 months which was devastating for me she denied it every time but I could see her. Now every day when I see her in college the smile on her face is enough to prove that I was right. They both are dating now she hates me so much that she don’t even look at my face .
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Every day he drops and picks her up at college, the way they smile at each other makes me smile too.
A month after we broke up she messaged me if this is really the end. YES was my last message to her.
I messaged Akshay to take care of her after I came to know that they are together.
That is the last I spoke to her. Just a smile on her face is enough for me it doesn’t matter who is the reason for it .
We never neglected studies as we promised each other in the beginning. My friends think I cheated on her and some of her friends give me cold looks but I don’t care.
I wanted to tell her I LOVE YOU AND THERE IS NO GIRL IN THE WORLD THAT WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING but I was never able to.